Gender Norms, Pronouns and Changing the World

I always thought of myself as a Daddy's girl. Mom was great and all, but Daddy would spend so much time outside, always in the background of my big country playground, that I naturally gravitated to him. Fifteen acres to explore starting at age 4, I thrilled in imaginative explorations through tall Oklahoma prairie grass (and wheat sprouting wild, leftover from past owners), as Daddy built fences, barns, sheds, a chicken coop, rabbit hutches - I was there, equal parts following him and trying to hammer nails, and wandering off to chase a grasshopper or dig in the muddy creek shallows.

I was supposed to be Daddy's boy. Last child of three, they already had two girls and Dad wanted one more shot at having a boy, so enter me, but oh well, here's a third girl. So I loved my puppy dogs, red cowboy hat and white boots, silver cap guns, and long curly blonde ponytails. I also picked up a love for things with wheels. There's a picture of me as a baby, pre-walking, with a steel Tonka Trencher. That toy is sitting on my dresser today, along with a die-cast model of Daddy's red Ford tractor. I was the little girl climbing on the school bus in the frilly dress (Pentecostal - that's a whole 'nuther subject for another day) with a Hot Wheel clutched in her fist.

But about gender norms. I'm not talking earth-shattering transformations and super-controversial stuff here. This isn't about transgender issues. This is very basic everyday, every person, touches every life sort of thing. I'm talking the ordinary every day gradual changes that husbands and wives and partners of all types have gradually shifted into over the last hundred or so years.

Husbands don't necessarily enjoy gardening, garage work. I'm one of those girls that spends more time outside in the yard and garage. I'm interested in making things, building, using mechanical tools. I'm far more Tim Allen than Jill (Home Improvement tv series). Different people like different things, gender doesn't really rule that, and yet there is nothing wrong with shows that perpetuate gender norms as long as we humans will just let up laughing at or poking fun at those who deviate from the norms.

My parents were born almost 100 years ago, my grandparents 100+. In their world, there were serious peer rejections and reprisals against anyone who deviated from the norms. Then after WWII forced the necessity of women working more, the pressures slacked up a little, and not long after the rockabilly and hippie movements rebelled full throttle. I think after society got over those shocks, we humans were a little calmer about little things like boys playing with dolls.

Daddy grew up with the generation that ridiculed soft boys as "sissies." It was an expression of derision I heard often regarding the hippy types around town. Sure there were still extremists who would get horrified about such things, but most people were in the middle and ready to accept differences that didn't harm others.

In the last 50 years I'd say there's been a growing respect for a girl who can kick ass right next the guys, but the negative humor bias against a guy who is tender-hearted and prefers arranging flowers is still pervasive. There are some instances of finding this an awesome way for a guy to be. Like there was Scrubs. JD is cute and soft hearted and "wimpy" in a very endearing way. We need another show like Scrubs.

I know of more than one married guy that nurtures the kids and cooks dinner. It's not nearly as rare as it used to be, and I'm really happy about that.

Now about pronouns. I love that living languages change and evolve with the society to which they belong. New words get added to the dictionary every year. "Okay" is an evolved form of slang going all the way back to "All correct" in some versions of the etymology.

He, she, man, woman, they, vis, ve, ver. Haven't heard of those last three? I saw them introduced in a sci-fi book series, Poseidon's Children by Alastair Reynolds. Apparently they are gender-neutral pronouns. Apparently they aren't the only ones being tested out there by writers and others in the gender-neutral world. Some prefer to use "they" in place of "his" or "her" but this just doesn't work for me as "they" implies a plural. I really like the vis, ve, ver set.

However! Human. I am human. I believe all men are created equal, and I, along with every other female, am among the ranks of these men. I don't really care what the original intent was. My heart and mind tells me I belong there, along with all my friends and foes whether they have penises or vaginas or any combination thereof. We sentient beings, men, human, are all created equal.

Draftsman. I'm not offended by this name. I am so happy and proud to call myself that.

If I'm ever the leader of a board, I'll be the chairman. Not the chairwoman. I don't need a special name pointing out my genitals, thanks.

Personally I think special pronouns for females in positions of power is demeaning and attention seeking. "Ooooh woop-de-doo a girl is the leader, she is in power and we have to point out that it's a *WO*man at the top." Um .... No.... A leader is still a leader no matter what they've got in their pants.

Fuck all those chip-on-the-shoulder people who get offended and write "and she" in reply to a beautiful image of humanity reaching for the stars that uses the pronoun "he" - I AM HE. I am in that number! I count among the rank of mankind without having to use a special pronoun to point that out, as if I didn't count without it. I AM HUMAN, thank you very much!

Picking at a scab doesn't make it better - opening it up makes it heal slower. Picking at the use of the word "he" is like picking at a scab. Taking the higher ground and realizing the word "he" is not an affront to all the humans out there that happen to have vaginas gets us girls progress faster just by participating calmly in that space rather than being huffy and indignant and acting like it's a grammatical error. Just be there. Just be a human in the space of "he", ladies. You're included. You have permission. Come on in.

Someday far in the future, I want gender equality by means of gender neutrality. Maybe sci-fi visions of future gender relations would be the solution, where ve is used instead of "he" (because apparently in some people's eyes the word "he" excludes females. In my head when I hear the word "he" I am included that group!).

I'm with Troi. I wanna hear a Yes Sir when I'm in command.

In summary, gender norms have changed quite a bit if you take a stark contrast of 1916 to 2016. Sure there are tendencies still stick to traditional gender roles, because kids copy what they see modeled by parents, teachers, or in books and other media, and just as we as a culture have come to accept gay marriage, and the reaction to the Pulse nightclub tragedy was genuine love and concern vs. the crude jokes of a similar incident in the 70's, society's view of gender issues is catching up.

So I don't cringe when I see memes that are a little biased to historical trends. Jokes about husbands being lazy, or a joke about a girl being overly concerned about her hair. It's where we've been, but we are progressing. Now we can have jokes about a lazy wife (Clara of The Guild web series), or a jokes about girls fantasizing about men in kilts. No need to get bent out of shape, or to have a miserable stressful day hyperventilating because someone said something "sexist."

For a happier life, chill. Be patient, and realize that the world isn't going to change overnight. Change will come, but it may be two centuries after you're dead. And it's sure as hell going to be slower if you raise hackles rather than being positive. (so maybe I should back off the f-word up there ... hmmm ... thinking ... thinking ... No, it stays. Chip-on-the-shoulder people are a huge part of the problem.)

Screaming, raising your voice, going higher and higher in octave, typing faster and harder at people who don't believe the same way you do tends to make them dig in their heels and resist further. But look at someone like the Dalai Lama who smiles and touches people. This is influence.

Change comes by gentle influence, not by visionary hammer pounds.

Further Reading:
Wikipedia, Gender Neutrality in the English language
Scrubs tv series
The Guild web series
Handsome men in kilts